Marriage & Its Ignored Sophistry

After you cross the age of twenty-something you’d have in all probability noticed that the people you knew in school or college are rapidly getting into wedlock, falling out of their singlehood like a deck of cards. I am twenty five and I’ve begun noticing this in the last two to three years. The people I grew up with in school,some with two or three years apart are now married, few of them with kids even or engaged or “preparing” for this ultimate transformation marital life is going to bring them (this prep is generally by the girls, I don’t know why).

For the longest time, after some one to be married would break the good news to me, where the appropriate response should be me screaming “CONGRATULATIONSSSS!” as if I can taste the joy in my tongue that travelled up from my toes, I’d inevitably ask, “Why would you do this to yourself?” More often than not I get this one answer that displeases me a tad more than all the other ones that exist. “My biological clock is ticking”. When I ask you “Why would you do this to yourself?” what I mean is have you weighed down and understood if and how your transformed life could limit you. It’s not me expressing my disregard for the institution of marriage. I believe in the institution of marriage, just not in the form of an obligation and in a lot of cases, as a solution.

I have had a numerous discussions about the institution of marriage and the success of it a numerous times with a numerous people.

Some of them are absolute believers and advocates of the Eagle’s “Love Will Keep Us Alive”. It’s been told to me that the reason behind so many divorces is because people have stopped marrying for love (barring the few exceptions that exist in all scenarios). Marry for love, nothing less, nothing else and you’ll never go wrong they’d say. The strongest love I have known in relationships I’ve had the fortune to pick is for my dog. Let’s not begin to compare that kind of love to the one you can have with another human. Not possible. Forget about it. Next.

Then there is this lot who tell me how stupid marriage is, how practical a live-in relationship is. When you want to call it off you are left with a bruised heart and not a bruised heart that has paper work to do. This reasoning behind a live-in fails me. Living-in is practical. Sure. It is also cowardice. I’m not sure I want to begin anything with you after you’ve imagined it end right at the start.

I was asked by a person not to be fearful of divorce. We are humans and we are complex. There are bound to be unsuccessful marriages. Not all flavours taste good together. True. Not all marriages can be a success but the problem arises when we look at divorce as that stamp seal of an unsuccessful marriage. I can hear the voice of my Chemistry teacher from school ring in my ears going, “All alkalines are basses but all basses are not alkalines”. Just like so, all divorces are because of unsuccessful marriages but all unsuccessful marriages may not lead to divorces. Catch my drift?

This one someone told me “Marriage is important because no one wants to die alone.” It is true. I would not like to die a menopausal cat lady sitting in my rocking chair placed in a sunny spot in my gloomy room flipping pages of the Complete Works of Edgar Allen Poe because I am no good at knitting. But, I have been lonely in company, which is why I can stomach enough courage to see the bold differences between being alone and being lonely.  So no, I don’t look at this institution as a rescue ranger in the rickety old days.

A friend married into an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Another friend married her high school sweetheart. This other person was restless and jittery to be married because it was time. Another friend married a stranger. This some one I know married the brother of her ex boyfriend. This guy married his girlfriend in college because she was pregnant. This girl married for money. This girl married this guy she had been seeing through 8^th grade up until they both got jobs and moved to the States.

The abusive relationship strangely looks like a happy marriage now. My friend who married her boyfriend from school complains about his dirty socks and underwear lying around. This person who was restless to marry did get married and has her complete married life on display for the entertainment of her Facebook friends. The friend who married a stranger turned out to be a lucky dog. Her husband and her are ideologically very similar. That’s more than half the battle won I’d think. The girl who married her ex boyfriend’s brother has a son now. This guy who married his pregnant girlfriend became a father and a husband before he was ready. The girl who married for money is now travelling to exquisite places. The girl, who married this guy she dated for over 15 odd years, left him a month after moving to the States because he turned out to be a wife beater.

What excites you more; The grand crazy unforgettable wedding that you have been dreaming of or the idea of sharing most of the space in your life with another person without batting an eyelid knowing this sharing and caring business could also suffocate you? You can never be definite about your significant other or the success of the institution. You mustn’t. That can be dangerous. This one decision that we take, this one decision that alters our lives so significantly in so many way, should actually be just a leap of faith. Nothing more! You take a chance because you believe so strongly. More than wanting the person or loving the person you believe. You put your money on this person for whom you have created a selfless, honest space in your life. We take this decision basis situations, obligations, reasons, circumstances, disregard for our own selves, societal pressure, parental pressure, etc. when the only thing that should matter is intention. That can be the only determinant of the success of this institution.